I Did Not Love Him That Much

After Jesus’ resurrection, He shared a fish breakfast with Peter and the boys.

The disciples had been fishing all night and had not caught anything.  Jesus called to them from the shore, telling them to drop their nets on the right side of the boat and when they did the catch was so big they could hardly haul the net. Peter was so excited about seeing Jesus, he jumped in the water and swam to shore.  Don’t you know they had a lot to talk about. What a breakfast conversation that must have been!

There must have been a pause in the conversation because Jesus decided to have side conversation with Peter. This John’s account (John 21: 15-18):

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.”

Quite honestly, the dialogue between Jesus and Peter used to annoy me.  I could not understand why Jesus kept asking Peter the same question over and over again. Wasn’t it obvious to Jesus the Peter loved Jesus? Not to mention the numerous times Peter told Jesus so. It wasn’t until a few years ago I finally got it.

I was was reading another scripture in John and came across a similar question Jesus asked all disciples.  I felt as if He was asking me the question. Have you ever sensed, as you were reading scripture that God was speaking directly to you?

At this time in my life I was having a trouble with obedience. Basically, God wanted me to do some things and I did not want to do them. Everything God asks me to do is shapes or reshapes me into His likeness. I liked becoming His likeness but not necessarily what He asked me to do. Then I read John 14:15:

“If you love me, obey my commandments.”

“Of course I love you Jesus.”

“Then do what I have asked you to do.”

I had to answer, “If you love me” and the painful truth was, I did not love Him that much. I wanted to, but knew down deep obeying Him was not that important to me.

For weeks the conversation of John 14:15 repeated itself in my mind and heart, much like the conservation of Jesus and Peter. Like with Peter, Jesus wanted to find out where my heart was in doing what He needed Him to do.

After wrestling with the word “If,” I begin to obey anyway. Obeyed Him because He was my Lord. Obeyed Him because He was my Savior. Obeyed Him because it was the right thing to do. So in the beginning, I did not love Him that much but it is through my obedience that I now love Him that much.

I love Him enough to do the hard things. My attitude isn’t always the best but my heart is for God and my obedience flows out of a heart love.

Whether it makes sense or not, whether you like it or not…simply obey, there is truly no other way.