I Quit
Day 18
I hate feeling this way. There is struggle inside and it is eating me up. I have identified the struggle, heard truth, and now after reading today’s devotion know what to do: quit. That is so easy to say. I quit. It is easy until the struggle is right in your face again.
“Why am I even struggling with this? I asked God. Why am I having such a hard time with it?” I chuckle as I hear the Spirit’s response. Let me first say, be careful what you pray.
In January first I begin praying my spotlight verse. “Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” I added to my prayer, “I want to see God.” Are you seeing God’s plan of action here? I asked God to create in me a new heart, to identify the sin my life so I can get rid of it through repentance. Then when He does, I have the audacity to complain. Be careful what you pray for.
I prayed this prayer with a pompous attitude, thinking I really didn’t have much sin in my life, not really big sin so it would be an easy verse to pray. It sickens me to think I approached God with such naivete.
Today, I thank God for this painful place that has snared me. I thank Him because I see His work in my life and know He has heard my prayer. I can say I quit but I have a feeling I will say it many more times before it becomes reality in my life. As God would have it, a friend sent the following text to me today:
“There’s the reality that holiness is plain hard work. We like our sins, and dying to them is painful. Almost everything is easier than growing in godliness. It’s one thing to head into today and change the world. It’s another thing altogether to be resolute and pray for God to change you today.” ~Kevin DeYoung
Yes girls, I am living these days in conviction and the sorting of my heart’s motives. It hurts. It’s hard. It’s pure. It’s imperfect progress.
That is interesting you posted this today. I am currently in a women’s bible study by Pricilla Shirer and she asked in one of the questions to identify sin in your life seeking holiness. I looked at the question and wrote, “no current sin in my life.” Yesterday I re-read the question and realized I was deceiving myself and wrote down some stuff. Just the pure fact that I have a tongue that is out of control at times in my attitude toward my husband is sin enough, from there I could go on and on. I too need to aplogize to the Lord for my attitude toward this question. Have a wonderful weekend Sister.
Even through the night I think of you and pray. Keep seeking Truth. I love you dearly!
This is such a beautiful and vulnerable post. Thank you for your transparency. The Lord is so merciful to meet us in our limitations.